Ruthless
by Caitlyn Walnut
Summary: Shepard visits the wreckage of the first Normandy. The title was meant to refer to the fact that it was a Renegade playthrough I based it on... Anyway read/review... Be kind, haven't done this in a long while...


~ Ruthless ~

"Commander? You have an unread message at your private terminal."

Commander Shepard was just walking out of the elevator from going to visit _him_. She nodded at Kelly Chambers and proceeded to her private terminal.

She sighed as she typed in her password, and froze when she saw the subject:

Normandy Crash Site Located.

Shepard stared at it, _The Normandy? _

She opened the message and began to read:

From: Admiral Hackett

Commander Shepard:

Our scans in the Amada system have turned up something we think you should see: the final location of the wreckage of the SSV Normandy.

We thought this news might be important to you, but we also have an ulterior motive. The Alliance would like to honor the Normandy with a monument, to be built on the site of the ship's final resting place. We'd like to invite you to place the monument and to be the first to walk on the site.

Godspeed to you, Commander.

She read it twice. _The Normandy…_

"Commander, are you alright?"

It was Kelly again.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure? You seem to have gone a bit pale…"

"I said I'm fine. I have some things to take care of, get back to work."

With that, and leaving a bewildered Kelly to stare after her, Shepard stepped into the elevator again, bound for the Crew's Quarters deck and the Main Battery Room.

"Shepard, back again so soon? People are gonna get suspicious." As the door closed behind her, Shepard reached out for Garrus and he held her against him tightly.

"Hey… Hey… Is something wrong? Come on, you can tell me. You'll probably feel better."

A single tear ran down her cheek. Garrus wiped it away.

"Hey, it'll be ok, whatever it is."

Shepard took a deep breath, "They found the original Normandy's crash site."

Garrus took hold of her shoulders and made her face him. She wouldn't look at him directly, and another tear ran down her cheek.

As he wiped it away, she finally looked up.

"I just got a message from Admiral Hackett, he suggested we place a monument there…"

She took another deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment.

"I should go set course for the planet."

With that she turned to leave, but Garrus stopped her.

"Should I come with?"

Shepard froze, her back to him. She knew Garrus wanted to go to support her, and he had every right to go and say goodbye to the Normandy as well, but this was something she knew she had to do on her own… for a few reasons.

"No," she said, "I'll be fine."

The planet Alchera was cold. The snow seemed to never stop, and besides the wind there were no other sounds except the faint creaking of the destroyed ship all around her.

She had come in the shuttle, and had landed within a short distance of a huge piece of the ship with N O R M A N D Y written across it.

As she stood before the giant lettering, she had a flashback to when it was docked at the Citadel. She remembered stepping off the elevator from C-Sec after just becoming a Spectre. She remembered how she was given the Normandy; how she did, despite her ruthless reputation, feel slightly bad for Captain Anderson.

She sighed at the memory, and continued walking.

She came across the cockpit not long after, and remembered Joker sitting at the controls.

A slight smile came to her lips as she remembered what Joker said to her just the week before,

"The last Normandy did just fine without needing to remind me 'the airlock is ajar'."

When she turned and looked behind her, she saw the outline of an all-too-familiar vehicle.

The Mako.

Walking toward it, she remembered how it sat on the lower deck of the Normandy, in the same area as Wrex, Garrus, and Ashley…

Walking away from the vehicle, and with the original intention to walk farther past it, she happened to see more wreckage behind it. Changing direction and walking over to it, she made her way to what used to be the galaxy map, but could not go up the ramp due to wreckage blocking it. As she turned to walk away, she accidentally kicked something. A datapad.

Picking it up, she attempted to access whatever was on it, and although some of the data could not be read, she was surprised to see that it was a journal of sorts that belonged to Navigator Pressly. Shepard placed the datapad back where she found it, and continued on.

Eventually she came to the sleeper pods, and remembered how, standing at the end of the walkway in between them, she could see into the mess hall. She also remembered that at the end of the walkway, to her right, would be Kaidan…

Aware that she would have to leave at some point, and she still had to place the monument, she left the sleeper pod area and decided to walk around just a little longer.

It didn't take long before she stumbled onto the wreckage of the mess hall.

Curious, she went inside, and was instantly overwhelmed with memories of Kaidan that brought her to tears. She remembered him telling her about "Brain Camp", how he broke the Turian's neck, how he'd always leave a way out…

_But you didn't stand a chance, did you? _She thought,_ There was no way out of what I did to you. There was no way out for you… on Virmire…_

The tears fell behind the visor of her helmet, and she remembered how she had told Garrus she didn't need him there with her.

_This was why, _she thought, _I need to face Kaidan on my own._

She looked around at the remains.

_I'm sorry, Kaidan. What you must have thought in those final moments, how you must have hated me, even though you knew I loved you, how could I have left you to die on that planet?_

_Did you know Ashley has younger sisters? That her father passed away, leaving them and her mom? I didn't want to leave you, Kaidan, but can you imagine? The questions I would have had to face, if I saved you for my selfish reasons, from her family, wondering why their sister died and you lived, all because I loved you? I'm sorry Kaidan. I'm sorry. I wish you were with me right now, I'd explain it all… Kaidan… I'm so sorry…_

Shaking slightly, Shepard searched for the strength in herself to leave the place, and not freeze to death with the memory of the man she loved.

Walking back to the shuttle, she paused in front of the Mako, and left the marker for where the monument was to be placed.

Aboard the Normandy SR2, Garrus held her. Still slightly upset over the memories brought up by visiting the place, she never said a word about Kaidan again.

A/N: This was just something short I felt like writing for a long time now, ever since my renegade playthrough where I killed Kaidan in order for my later ME2 Shep to get with Garrus without cheating on Kaidan for ME3 (Which I heard is like, next year around this time? OMFG I CAN'T WAIT!) Basically this was done in a few short hours, wasn't really meant to be a masterpiece or anything, just something I couldn't get out of my mind after I finished my ME2 renegade playthrough. I'll admit toward the middle of this I got so tired I feel like I rushed a bit. But, now it's all written down, and I haven't saved until this point. Heh… Maybe someday I'll rewrite it, but that's the future, right now I have a cat that's begging for food and a dead computer mouse begging for batteries.


End file.
